Gaslighting in the family - what to do if nobody believe you

Gaslighting is a complex form of psychological violence aimed at undermining confidence and the adequacy of one's own perception of reality.

What might a manifestation of a manipulator look like?:

Jokes and banter, if it is episodic. Most often, such manifestations are toxic and offend the interlocutor.
A quarrelsome character.
The desire to punish. 
The desire to subjugate a person.
Criminal intent. In this case, psychological manipulations are carried out in order to gain profit. The most striking example is relatives who, trying to seize the fortune of a family member, make considerable efforts to recognize him as insane.
The term "gaslighting" owes its origin to Patrick Hamilton's play "Gaslight" (1938). In the plot, the husband systematically manipulates his wife in order to conceal the crime, making her doubt his abilities (for example, convincing her that the flickering of gaslight is a figment of her imagination).

The manipulator ("gaslighter") positions itself as the only relevant source of objective information, thereby forming a pathological dependence in the victim. This is not a single lie, but a prolonged process of interpersonal manipulation aimed at disabling the victim's perception, memory, and cognitive functions.

Research in the field of social psychology and the psychology of violence allows us to identify the key tactics that make up the core of gaslighting.:

1. Denial of the obvious. "It didn't happen," "You made it up," "I never said that." You definitely remember the conversation, but you are convinced that you imagined it.

2. Downplaying your feelings. "You're overreacting," "Don't be so sensitive," "It's just a joke, and you don't understand humor." Your emotions are being declared incorrect and inadequate.

3. Shifting the blame. When you try to discuss a problem, the manipulator blames you for everything. "Would you have brought me to this if you had behaved normally?", "I have to say that because you provoke me."

4. Undermining trust in memory. "You've always had a bad memory," "You can't be trusted, you forget and twist everything." You are systematically told that your memory is unreliable.

5. Creating confusion. The manipulator contradicts himself, gives different versions of the same event, until you yourself stop understanding where the truth is.

6. Diminishing your sanity. Phrases like "Something's wrong with you", "It's time for you to see a psychiatrist" (pronounced not out of concern, but as an accusation) are used to permanently undermine your confidence.

7. Using others. The manipulator may involve friends, relatives, or colleagues to confirm his version of events: "Everyone sees that you are inadequate, ask anyone."

The chronic effects of gaslighting lead to structural and functional changes in the victim's psyche.

If you recognize yourself in this description and you need urgent support, remember: you are not alone. You can always contact the "Emergency Call Service -112", where qualified psychologists will be able to support you.

How can you protect yourself and not get into the gaslighting network?

The best defense is to strengthen your personal boundaries and critical thinking.

You can take the first steps and get support by contacting our psychologists at 112.